My Breastfeeding Journey: Stephanie

My name is Stephanie. I am a pediatric nurse and mother to the most amazing 17 month old little girl. I was a breastfeeding, full-time new night nurse and girlfriend.

My decision to exclusively breastfeed came from a couple of different places. As a pediatric nurse I of course knew the benefits. Any and everyone (or almost) will tell you the positives. My main decision however came from my boyfriend and I, and the fact that we were vegan at the time. He felt more strongly than I did about breastfeeding and I respected his input and agreed. I thought it would be this wonderful, magical, almost out of this world experience and that it would create this beautiful bond. I’ll admit my very first latch was beautiful. I think because she latched on without a problem and because she was in the NICU and I was recovering from my c-section but it was the greatest feeling in the world to be able to hold her close and look down at her.

When I got home I thought I would feel just as comfortable as I did in the hospital. I mean the lactation nurse kept telling me I was a pro! I felt far from a pro at home. My first few hours in I was in tears because my daughter was crying frequently and I felt I wasn’t producing enough. I was latching her on what felt like every hour. I wanted to give up by day 3. I would cry and tell my boyfriend, “I can’t do this for a whole year.” For 9 months I already felt I didn’t have ownership of myself or my own body. I was almost resentful in thinking I wasn’t going to have myself back for another year. I had to watch what I ate, couldn’t drink and couldn’t spend too much time away because I had to feed her or I didn’t have enough milk pumped. I made it to 15 months of exclusively breastfeeding my daughter. I could never have done it without the support of my friend who had breastfed her two sons. I texted her on a daily basis and she remained positive for me, she encouraged me and she made sure I never gave up. My boyfriend was so supportive and I think a supportive partner is extremely important during this journey. He kept reminding me why we made this decision we made it for her, the benefits of breastfeeding were undeniable and that I’m wasn't a quitter.

Working as a full time overnight nurse in a new job while exclusively breastfeeding was a huge challenge for me. I went back to work at 8 weeks post-partum. I had pumped and froze milk in the 2 months I was at home but I was extremely unprepared for the struggle of being a full time working mom. I still don’t know how I got through it. I was running through my frozen milk stash and pumping as much as I could, and I somehow was able to provide for my daughter week by week. Only it was just that; week by week. I didn’t have a huge reserve. I started with one but once I was working again it quickly disappeared. Thankfully my night managers were so understanding and knew I couldn’t work 3 nights in a row since I was having trouble maintaining my supply so they were very generous with my schedule and allowed for minimal changes to be made. It got easier once she started eating solids but my supply kept fluctuating. It was so frustrating how much my supply fluctuated. Not to mention there were some nights I could barely pump once a shift let alone twice. Most of my shifts I was engorged and in so much pain. Since I went back to work after 8 weeks I still had my 12 weeks of FMLA or paid family leave which I was allowed to take intermittently so I took one week off once a month which helped so much with trying to recover my milk reserves and supply. I tried lactation smoothies, brewers yeast, even lactation pills for my supply but at the end of the day going back to work caused me a lot of stress and depression. Advise given to breastfeeding moms includes no stress yet here I was extremely stressed every day about how I was going to provide enough milk for my baby. When she was 11 months I had planned a week long birthday cruise for my boyfriend and I, so of course that added to my stress by not only needing to save for the nights I worked but also for the week we'd be away.

I got through breastfeeding by the skin of my teeth. I made the commitment to my daughter to breastfeed exclusively and I stood by my decision. It was extremely hard but I took it day by day and leaned on my friends and family to help me through it.

Now I work as an ambulatory care pediatric nurse and I do a lot of education for new parents, amongst other things. The advice I give breastfeeding moms is to find a great support system. Even if it’s just one friend or family member it’s important to have that and lean on that person. I also make sure to mention that it is extremely hard, it’s going to feel like that baby is living on your breast but if it’s something you really want to do it can be done. As hard and as stressful as my experience was I am extremely proud of us for getting through it and looking back I would never change my decision to exclusively breastfeed.

- Stephanie