Gabriel's Mom's Journey Through Breastfeeding

BREASTFEEDING.

Yes,I always thought of breastfeeding as a magical sort of thing. Something private, delicate, special, emotional - something only you and your child would share. When I found out I was pregnant, I actually was so excited to order my breast pump. It was the FIRST baby thing I purchased (not really purchased, because it was free with insurance.) Well, you get it I was just excited. I didn't think it would be that hard. I read  lots of books, articles, and even used YouTube to figure out things about pumping and breastfeeding. From the benefits, the different positions, which pump worked best for moms, how moms breastfeed at work, what helped them produce more milk. EVERYTHING!!! Plus I just thought," Oh, baby is hungry? BOOB! Baby is crying? BOOB!" Come on, I know so many mothers who breastfeed - SUCCESSFULLY BREASTFEED. How hard could it be? WRONG!!! 

I must say, for me, the hardest part of being a mother was breastfeeding my son. He just wouldn't latch. God knows that I wanted to succeed, except I was only able to breastfeed for 6 weeks. 

So let's start from the beginning. After he was born, I did skin to skin, and then tried to breastfeed. I didn't have milk coming out my breasts yet, it was only colostrum but I knew that that was most important. The nurses helped me figure out how to latch him, and I thought I had gotten the hang of it, but it freaking HURT. I knew his latch was all wrong when I looked at my nipple and saw that it was flat. I continued to try and try again, on both sides whenever he was hungry, on demand. It was still tough and I felt like I was having some difficulties so I asked for the lactation specialist. This lactation specialist is any mother's worst nightmare. She basically just touched me without permission, grabbed my small boobs, called them a burger, and told me to "SANDWICH IT AND STUFF IT IN HIS MOUTH". Well - my son was hysterical crying non-stop as she was forcing my boob in his mouth. She continued to do this every 7 hrs for the next two days, and every single time, I told her I needed a break and would ask her to leave.  I was sick of her, and my son didn't seem to like her either because he cried every single time she came in. At this point, my nipples looked like they went thru hell and back. They were cut up and bleeding. Oh the pain that came with it was just unbearable, but even still I was determined to breastfeed. One of the nurses mentioned to me about using the shield. I went on amazon, and immediately purchased it. Once we got home, the shield was also delivered (thank god for Amazon! ) I was able to use it during the first day home for our first at home feed. YES! It felt so good to see my milk coming out and successfully being able to breastfeed my son. I wondered how long will I have to keep using this shield for? At the time, I honestly didn't even care. All I cared about was that I was able to breastfeed my son, and he was getting what he needed from me. My son had lost more than the expected weight after he came home from the hospital, so the doctor told me to wake him to feed every two hours until he reached birth weight. SO, YES. I DID IT. I was severely lacking sleep, I was beyond tired, and people would tell me that "if he's sleeping through the night, don't wake him up, he's fine." I didn't listen, I was more worried about him reaching birth weight and making sure he's fed instead of sleeping. Once he did reach birth weight, which was probably a good week later, I still continued to feed every 3hrs, as well as pumping, this carried on for 6 weeks. Reminder: I was still using the shield.

 One day, my son projectile vomited all over me and the floor! I knew something was wrong. My husband and I went to the ER immediately. Turns out my son's stomach was full of air! The doctors there told me that it was probably from the air he was sucking in from using the shield, along with him crying and sucking in air from being frustrated, that it just accumulated in his belly. He was dehydrated because he couldn't stomach any breastmilk, so he had to get IV fluids, and we were not able to leave until he could stomach  4oz of pedialyte. After spending about 8hrs in the ER, he finally tolerated the pedialyte without throwing up and we were discharged. One of the suggestions, more like discharge instructions was that I had to exclusively pump and feed him so that I can monitor his intake. Due to the fact that he was dehydrated, not getting enough milk, and was hungry, it was the best option.

Let me tell you this, I did NOT have post partum blues or depression after giving birth - not until I started to exclusively pump. I felt like a machine. I constantly pumped to keep up supply, because No- I didn't want to give formula. I wanted to keep trying to give him MY milk. I was so determined to succeed. All I wanted was to be able to nourish him with my milk. But that pump.. is EVIL!!!!!! It took so much of my time. My son ate every 2 hours, he's a chunky monkey. This was what my routine looked like for example, I would feed him at 2, he would finish between 230-245, then I would pump for 30 minutes. Next thing you know, I ONLY HAD less than an hour, sometimes less than half an hour until it was time to feed him again!!!! So not only did I have to make sure that I had a large enough stash ( THANK YOU HAAKAA! HAAKAA SINCE DAY ONE AND IT WAS A LIFE SAVER) but I had to make sure I ate and was hydrated enough to make more milk.  Thankfully my supply was awesome at this time, I was making about 4oz each pump session, per boob! I continued on with this for 3 weeks. During these 3 weeks we also found out that my son, had a UTI!!!!! So we had plenty of appointments with the urologist, pediatrician, radiology, and giving antibiotics and tylenol at specific times. OMG, I was beat, I cried, it was so difficult. Not to mention, I even had blisters on my nipples from the pump. It really took a toll on me. I even tried to latch him back on just to see if his mouth was big enough to get a deeper latch since he was bigger and YES he did it! But, at this point I was DONE. I was excited and happy that he latched on but I couldn't take it anymore. My mind, body, soul were drained. I actually felt disgusting that all I was doing was pumping, like I was a cow attached to these tubes, collecting milk. I wanted to be the one to bond with him during feeds, so only I was allowed to feed him. I didn't want anyone else to feed him because I felt like feeding time was something sacred between mom and baby, but now I was too exhausted and I don't even know if that was bonding because I would be half asleep feeding him. My husband and I came to the conclusion where It couldn't take such a toll on me anymore, and that what our family needed was a healthy and happy mom.

 So, we went ahead and went to the doctor and she suggested a formula that would be gentle on his belly since he had gas issues. Since that day, I've felt so much better. It was like a light switch. Those 3 weeks of pumping were the worst 3 weeks of my life, I must say. I would hope to never go through that again. Looking back, I do not regret anything because I have learned along the way. I most definitely tried my best at breastfeeding, I can 100% say that I DID MY BEST AND GAVE IT MY ALL. Despite the obstacles that came in the way, I tried my best. I gave up only due to the fact that I had to be in a healthier and happier state of mind, in order to be able to raise my son. That dark 3 week period was not allowing me to do so. I am very happy that I was able to give my son milk the first few weeks, especially the colostrum, and I am very happy that I lasted 3 weeks of exclusively pumping. Hey, even after I stopped pumping, I had THREE months of breastmilk stored in my fridge. I tried my best Gabriel, and I hope you know mommy is always trying her best for you! P.S- That pump is in the garbage! 

-Gabriel's Mom